Chuyện VuiPhim & H́nh Ảnh Vui

Chuyện Vui

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  • Blonde Vs. Lawyer
       

      A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

      Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

      "Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

      This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

      The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

      The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

      Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

      The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

      After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

      The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

      The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks,  "Well, so what IS the answer?"

      Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
       
  • Blonde Husband
       

      A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from  the bedroom.  He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.  "What's going on here?' he says.

      "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.  He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes on!"

       The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.  Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

       "You IDIOT!!!,"  says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids!"
       

  • Ugly Man Wanting To Marry Super Girl
       

      A very ugly and conceited young man, wanting to get married, went to a matchmaker and asked for help finding a wife.  "I want someone utterly beautiful and totally exceptional."

      "I have just the girl," says the matchmaker. "She's rich, intelligent, and absolutely stunning."

      "Hold it," Said the young man, suddenly suspicious.  "Why is she still single?"

      "I admit," said the matchmaker, "that she has one tiny problem."

      "I thought so."

       "No, it's nothing very terrible.  It's just that one day every year, she goes a little bit crazy.  Doesn't cause any trouble, just a bit weird.  After it's over, she's fine for an entire year."

      "I can live with that," said the young man. "Where is she?"

      "Not right now" said the matchmaker.  "If you want to her to marry you, you'll have to wait a bit."

      "Until when?" the ugly and conceited man asked eagerly.

      "Until the day she goes crazy.
       

  • Mailman Is Dad
       

      A father is passing by his son's room while he is praying before bed. He overhears the little boy's prayer.

      "Thank you God for everything.  Goodnight mom, goodnight dad, goodbye granpa."  The father is curious why the "goodbye granpa"

      The next morning at 3:00 AM, the man and his wife are notified that the granpa passed away.  The man is curious, and decides to listen to his childs prayers again.

      "Thank you God for everything.  Goodnight mom, goodnight dad, goodbye Spot." The next day, the dog died.

      "Whoa," the man thought, "we really have something here!"  He listened to his son that night.

      "Thank you God for everything.  Goodnight mom, goodbye dad." The man nearly chokes.  "Goodbye dad???"

      He knows what it means.  So he proceeds to do all the things he never did.  He makes love to his wife on the kitchen counter, goes to work the next day and sleeps with his secretary in front of his boss.  He goes to a bar, runs up a $500 tab, but still is not dead.  He walks home, along the train tracks... He gets to his home, and his wife is in tears.

      "Honey whats wrong?

      "I've had the worst day..."

      "You think you're day was bad?  I just..."

      "I woke up to find the mailman dead on the porch!"
       
  • Tattle Tale
       

      A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then ...."

      Sonny's mother held up her hand.  "Not another word.  Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

       The father came home.  As he walked into the house, his wife said, "I'm leaving you.  I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

       "But why?" asked the startled father.

      "Go ahead, Sonny.  Tell daddy just what you told me."

      "Well," Sonny said,  "I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed, and then they did just what you did with Uncle Mike when daddy was away last summer
       

  • Heaven
       

      A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims. "It's so beautiful!  Did I really make it to heaven?"

      To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."

      Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.

      "Spell a word," St. Peter replies.

      "What word?" she asks.

      "Any word," answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."

      The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e."

      St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.

       "I'd be honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

      St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as she had done.  So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates.  It is her husband!

      "What happened?" she cries.  "Why are you here?"

      Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got into an automobile accident.  Now I am here, ready to join you in Heaven."

      "Not just yet," the woman replies.  "First you must spell a word."

      "What word?" he asks.

      "Czechoslovakia."
       
  • Couples with two daughters
       

      There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.  The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.

      “Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"

      The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
       

  • Speeding Woman Driver Tricking Cops
       

      A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
      Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
      Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
      Woman: Oh, I see.
      Officer: May I see your license please?
      Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
      Officer: Don't have one?
      Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
      Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
      Woman: I can't do that.
      Officer: Why not?
      Woman: I stole this car.
      Officer: Stole it?
      Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
      Officer: You what?
      Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
      The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
      Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle, please!
      The woman steps out of her vehicle.
      Woman: Is there a problem sir?
      Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
      Woman: Murdered the owner?
      Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
      The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
      Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?
      Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
      The first officer is quite stunned.
      Sergeant: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
      The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The sergeant snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
      Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
      Woman: I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

       

  • True Nature Of Hell
       

      The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
      pleasure of enjoying it as well.

      Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

      One student, however, wrote the following:

      "First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

      "As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

      "With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

      "This gives two possibilities:

      "1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

      "2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

      "So which is it?

      "If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

      "The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a ievine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'"

      THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

       

  • Leave It To A Woman
       

      The FBI had an opening for an assassin.  After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. two men and a woman.

       For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

       "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Kill Her!

       The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home."

      The second man was given the same instructions.  He took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

      The agent said, "You don't have what it takes.  Take your wife and go home."

      Finally, it was the woman's turn.  She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.  After a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow.

      "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to beat him to death with the chair.”
       
  • Dr. Walmart
       

      One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Dan says to Vince, " My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Vince replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor." So Dan deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for theurine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

      That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Dan began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter for good measure. Dan hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.

      The computer prints the following:
      1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
      2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
      3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
      4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

      Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
       
  • Wife and Seriously Ill Husband

      A lovely Bruinette accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the Bruinette into his office alone.

      He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.”

      The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him because it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, love your
      husband and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

      On the way home, the husband asked his loving wife. “What did the doctor say?”

      “You're going to die,” the loving Bruinette replied

       
  • Hai Sắc Hoa Ti-Gôn

      The "Hopeless" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về tự tử thế là xong
      Mộ anh cỏ dại vàng xơ xác
      Khi viếng thăm em hiểu nỗi ḷng.

      The "Zoro" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về luyện kiếm thế là xong
      Kiếm anh sắc bén hơn em nghĩ
      Sẽ chém trảm em trả hận ḷng!

      The "bankruptcy" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Đường xa, Vegas anh cứ dzông
      Visa, Master Card vào canh bạc
      Vỡ nợ đời anh hận bóng hồng.

      The "Kung-fu" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
      Anh về luyện võ Lý Tiểu Long
      Luyện thêm một cú liên hoàn cước
      Để đá chồng em đêm động pḥng.

      The "Gourmet" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
      Anh về tự tử thế là xong
      Ruột, gan, phèo phổi lôi ra hết
      Tặng kẻ vu qui nấu cháo ḷng.

      The "Sabotage" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
      Anh về tát nước cạn ḍng sông
      Để cho đ̣ cưới không qua được
      Đừng có mà mong được động pḥng.

      The “Warfare” reaction:


      Nếu biết rằng em đi lấy chồng
      Anh ngồi tưởng tượng chuyện "đồng pḥng"
      Tim anh sôi máu, ḷng quặng thắt
      Anh ước chi ḿnh có "cà-nông"
       

      The "Terrorist" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
      Anh về tỉnh đội mượn cà-nông
      Thục về hướng ấy 500 quả
      Em ở quê chồng có ớn không?

      Bắc Kỳ style:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về chửi đổng giữa đám đông
      Mẹ bố tiên sư nguyên ḍng họ
      Khốn kiếp sao mày dám bơ ông!

      Huế style:

      Nếu biết rằng O đã có chồng
      Tui về núi Ngự nhảy xuống sông
      Sông sâu nước lạnh tui lại khớp
      Tự tử mần răng cũng chẳng xong.

      Nam Kỳ style:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã có chồng
      Mèn ơi! Em chê tui nhà nông
      Ruộng nương nổi nóng tui đốt hết
      Không gạo cho em đói rét ḷng.

      Ba Tàu style:

      Nếu piết dằng nị lã có chồng
      Ngộ dźa ngộ pán nốt Hồng Kông
      Mang tiền ngộ đổ dzô Chợ Lớn
      Lời dzốn đầu tư mát cái ḷng.

      The “Hygienic” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về tắm gội với xà bông
      Mùi hương ngày cũ, bay đi mất
      Để kẻ sang sông khỏi chạnh ḷng.

      The "Unhygienic" reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp có chồng
      Anh về khỏi tắm thế là xong
      Quần áo để nguyên cho trọn tháng
      Kỷ vật tặng em đêm động pḥng.

      The “Drunkard” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
      Anh về bắt vịt nhổ sạch lông
      Tiết canh làm được vài ba dĩa
      Mượn rượu cho nguôi vết thương ḷng.

      The “High-tech” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Dại ǵ mà nghĩ “thế là̀ xong”!
      Email cứ viết, phone cứ gọi
      Cũng có ngày em… ly dị chồng.

      The “Next generation” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về cưới vợ, kiếm thằng con
      Mai này khi con trai anh lớn
      Xúi lấy con em, rửa  hận ḷng.

      The “Gangster” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về ẩn núp kế bờ sông
      Đợi đ̣ cặp bến sang bên ấy
      Đón đường bắt cóc thế là xong.

      The “Optimistic” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh mừng biết mấy, em biết không?
      Bao năm quen biết, bao năm mệt
      Tính ǵ cũng khổ mấy năm ṛng.


      The “Relieved” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Không buồn, không giận chỉ ước mong
      Đãi được chồng em nhậu một bữa
      Để cám ơn chàng lãnh giùm gông.

      The “Released” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã có chồng
      Cho anh gặp chàng đó được không?
      Để anh hậu đãi chồng em đã…
      …Rước giùm của nợ, lập đại công.

      The “Cinema” reaction:

      Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
      Anh về cưới đại mụ Hồng Kông

      Vợ anh không đẹp bằng em lắm
      Mà chỉ xêm xêm Chung Sở Hồng.

        - Vo Danh
  • Vợ Chồng Nhà Sách
       

      Hai vợ chồng làm cùng ngành xuất bản sách. Đêm tân hôn của họ thật thơ mộng. Họ nói với nhau đủ chuyện, từ chuyện yêu đương, gia đ́nh, bè bạn, nghề nghiệp... Anh chồng ôm vợ âu yếm rồi đọc thơ:

      Sách mới cho nên phải đắt tiền

      Chị vợ cùng nghề, nghe chồng đọc liền ứng khẩu đọc tiếp luôn:

      Hôm nay xuất bản lần đầu tiên

      Anh chồng gh́ chặt vợ vào ḷng ḿnh đọc luôn câu thứ ba:

      Anh c̣n tái bản nhiều lần nữa

      Chị vợ sung sướng đọc câu thơ trong tiếng thở:

      Em để cho anh giữ bản quyền.

      Vài năm sau, Cô vợ đọc:

                Sách đă cũ rồi phải không anh
                Sao nay em thấy anh đọc nhanh
                Không c̣n đọc kỹ như trước nữa
                Để sách mơ thêm giấc mộng lành

      Anh chồng ngâm nga:

               Sách mới người ta thấy phát thèm
               Sách ḿnh cũ rích, chữ lem nhem
               Gáy th́ lỏng lẻo, b́a lem luốc
               Đọc tới đọc lui, truyện cũ mèm

      Cô vợ thanh minh:

               Sách cũ nhưng mà truyện nó hay
               Đọc hoài vẫn thấy được... bay bay
               Đọc xong kiểu này, rồi kiểu khác
               Nếu mà khám phá sẽ thấy hay
      ..

      Anh chồng lầu bầu:

               Đọc tới đọc lui mấy năm rồi
               Cái b́a sao giống giấy gói xôi
               Nội dung từng chữ thuộc như cháo
               Nh́n vào hiệu sách, nuốt không trôi...

      Cha hàng xóm lẩm nhẩm:

               Sách cũ nhưng mà tui chưa xem
               Nh́n anh đọc miết.. thấy cũng thèm
               Cũng tính hôm nào qua đọc lén
               Liệu có trang nào anh chưa xem?

       

  • Conversation between George W. and his National Security Advisor
       

      George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
      Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
      George: Great. Lay it on me.
      Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
      George: That's what I want to know.
      Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
      George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
      Condi: Yes.
      George: I mean the fellow's name.
      Condi: Hu.
      George: The guy in China.
      Condi: Hu.
      George: The new leader of China.
      Condi: Hu.
      George: The Chinaman!
      Condi: Hu is leading China.
      George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
      Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
      George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
      Condi: That's the man's name.
      George: That's who's name?
      Condi: Yes.
      George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
      Condi: Yes, sir.
      George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
      Condi: That's correct.
      George: Then who is in China?
      Condi: Yes, sir.
      George: Yassir is in China?
      Condi: No, sir.
      George: Then who is?
      Condi: Yes, sir.
      George: Yassir?
      Condi: No, sir.
      George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
      Condi: Kofi?
      George: No, thanks.
      Condi: You want Kofi?
      George: No.
      Condi: You don't want Kofi.
      George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
      Condi: Yes, sir.
      George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
      Condi: Kofi?
      George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
      Condi: And call who?
      George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
      Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
      George: Will you stay out of China?!
      Condi: Yes, sir.
      George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
      Condi: Kofi.
      George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
      (Condi picks up the phone.)
      Condi: Rice, here.
      George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China.  And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

       

  • Bai tho chu "BAT" dinh nghia trong van chuong VN 
    dac biet tu President of "HOI CHIEU VO" vung Au chau.
       

      1. Đàn ông mà phải cưới vợ là chuyện bất đắc dĩ
      2. Đàn ông mà không lấy được vợ là bất thành nhân
      3. Có vợ đẹp là bất an
      4. Có vợ xấu là bất hạnh
      5. Có vợ giỏi là bất xứng
      6. Ḿnh ở nhà mà để vợ đi làm là bất ổn
      7. Ḿnh đi làm mà để vợ ở nhà bất tiện
      8. Không nuôi nổi vợ là bất tài
      9. Bị vợ chê là bất lực
      10. Bị vợ cắm sừng là bất cảm ứng
      11. Biết chồng có bồ mà vợ tỉnh bơ là bất cần
      12. Quyến rủ vợ bạn là bất nghĩa
      13. Tin bạn mà mất vợ là bất cẩn
      14. Khen người đẹp trước mặt vợ là bất lợi
      15. Căi lời vợ là bất kính
      16. Nhậu không mời vợ là bất công
      17. Nhậu về đánh vợ là bất nhân
      18. Vợ kiểm tra túi chồng là thể hiện sự bất tín
      19. Nộp lương đủ cho vợ là bất khả kháng
      20. Trộm tiền vợ để đánh bài là bất lương
      21. Xin tiền vợ đi uống bia ôm là bất khả thi
      22.Căi nhau với vợ về việc dạy con là bất phân thắng bại
      23. Lời vợ dạy luôn luôn là bất biến
      24. Tính xấu của vợ là bất di bất dịch
      25. Khi vợ nổi máu ghen là bất luận phải trái
      26. Bị vợ chửi mà làm thinh là bất bạo động
      27. Bị vợ đánh mà không khai ra bồ là bất khuất
      28. Vợ giận đi ngủ riêng la thể hiện sự bất hợp tác
      29. Vợ bỏ nhà đi luôn là bất chiến
      30. Được vợ khen là điều bất ngờ
      31. Vợ làm mồi ngon cho chồng nhậu là bất hủ
      32. Cùng vợ đi chơi cuối tuần là bất diệt
      33. Vợ là người phụ nữ mau già nhưng bất tử

       

  • Don’t Start That … Again
       

      A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to avoid embarrassment. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

      The little boy says, "Dark in here."
      The man says, "Yes, it is."
      Boy - "I have a baseball."
      Man - "That's nice."
      Boy - "Do you want to buy it?"
      Man - "No, thanks."
      Boy - "My dad's outside!"
      Man - "OK, how much?"
      Boy - "$250"

      In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

      Boy - "Dark in here."
      Man - "Yes, it is."
      Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
      The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
      Boy - "$750"
      Man - "Fine."

      A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

      The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
      The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
      Boy - "$1,000"
      The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

      They go to the church, the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth, and he closes the door.

      The boy says, "Dark in here."
      The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

       

  • Bill Clinton’s Jog
       

      Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he chanced to spot a very attractive young lady standing on a street corner. Seizing the opportunity he goes up to her and starts a conversation. It doesn’t take long for him to find out that she is a prostitute.

      “Well,” says Bill, “How much do you charge?”
      “One hundred and fifty dollars.”
      “One hundred and fifty dollars!” Bill exclaims.
      “Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars.”
      “I can’t believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars,” he says.
      “Well, how much do you think it should cost?” she asks.
      “About ten dollars.”
      “Ten dollars!” she cries, “Sorry, it’s one hundred and fifty dollars.”
      “Do you know who I am?” he asks.
      “No.”
      “I am Bill Clinton, President of the United States of America,” he proclaims.
      “Well I’m sorry but it is still one hundred and fifty dollars.”

      Bill shakes his head and continues his jog. About a week later he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this time Hillary decides to join him. Bill sees that the same prostitute is standing on the street corner again and decides to steer Hillary away from her, so they jog on the opposite side of the street. As luck would have it, the prostitute spots him and takes off after the two of them. Sweating and panting, the President urges Hillary to run faster and faster, but his own strength begins to fade. At last, she catches up to them, confronting Clinton with an
      evil smile, looking back and forth between him and the First Lady.

      “Didn’t I tell you?” she gloats. “See what 10 bucks will get you?”

       

  • Chích Ngừa

       

      Cô gái trẻ đẹp kia định về VN chơi nên tới gặp bác sĩ để chích ngừa .
      Bác sĩ:"Một mũi ngừa phong đ̣n gánh 50 đô, côđưa tay trái ra."
      Cô gái: "Thưa bác sĩ chích giùm em chổ nào kínthiệt kín để không ai thấy thẹo nha."
      Không suy nghĩ bác sĩ nói ngay:  "Được, chích chổ kín thiệt là kín, 50đô đưa tiền trước."
      Cô gái, “Tại sao ?”
      Bác sĩ: "Tại mấy lần trước chích chổ kín xong tui quên lấy tiền hoài hà.”

       

  • Boy Playing With Train
       

      A babysitter was working in the kitchen listening to the baby sitted boy playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and the boy yell "All you sons of bitches, who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The baby sitter went in and told him, "we don't use that kind of language around people." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

      Two hours later, the boy comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the baby sitter heard the boy say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

      "For those of you, who are pissed off with the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

       

  • Selling The Golf Balls

       

      A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

      She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them".

       

  • Playing Daddy
       

      A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
      Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
      Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
      Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
      Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
      The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
      Mom : "Now what do I do?"

      Son : "Get your ass out of bed, and fix that kid some god damn  ice cream."

       

  • Jesus Is Watching You

       

      A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
       

  • 13…13…13…13

       

      A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.'
       

  • Drunkard’s Report
       

      This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.

      I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle, did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did. 

      I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. 

      When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement steps the next time they come by.

       

  • Million Dollars or Daughter
       

      Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

      One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.

      The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me in the pool!"

       

  • Earth Science
       

      The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
       

  • Etiquette Lesson
       

      One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me. Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says, "And just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice, that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the second woman responds, "When we first got married he did send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies, "Well you see, before, when someone told me about the jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her on, I would have just said I don't give a shit, but now I say that's nice, that's real nice."
       

  • Minnesota Gals

       

      Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their  new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he   had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

      The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

      The third man had married a Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix him self a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a lawn service.

      Gotta love them Minnesota girls!

       

  • Politics Lesson

      A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

      Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

      Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

      The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

       

  • Không tém, Không tém!

      Khám bịnh xong bác si nói với cô bệnh nhân trẻ:

      Bác Si : Cô cho tôi xin số điện thoại của cô để khi nào có kết quả khám sức khoẻ th́ tôi sẽ gọi điện báo cô hay.

      Cô gái trẻ trả lời : Dợ, hai ba bửa tém một bửa !

      Bác si lắc đầu : Không! chuyện tắm rửa của cô th́ tôi không cần biết. Số điện thoại của cô á !

      Cô gái trẻ trả lời : Dợ, hai ba bửa tém một bửa!

      Bác si lắc đầu mạnh hon : Cô tắm mỗi ngày 2, 3 bận hay là 2, 3 tuần cô tắm một lần th́ tôi không cần biết.....Số điện thoại của cô ḱa..

      Cô gái trẻ tức tối trả lời : Dợ! em đẻ nó số của em lừa hai ba bửa tém một bửa - là số ĐT(237-817)

      Vài ngày sau, cung trong pḥng mạch bác si hỏi nữ bệnh nhân tái khám:

      Bác Si : Tại seo tui kiu cho cô wài hỏng đuợc? Cô đổi số điện thọi rồi sao?

      Cô gái : Dợ, em đa đủi gùi, Bi giờ là năm séo bửa, không tém, không tém! (567-0808)!

      Bác si : Chời đét !!!

      Vài ngày sau, trong pḥng mạch tái khám:

      Bác Si : vẫn ko gọi đuợc, thế là thế nào ?

      Cô gái : dợ , tại thèng chồn em nớ kiu đổi. Bs thông cẻm, lèn ń là lèn đổi cúi gùii: lè tém chín bửa một năm không tắm (897-1508)

      Bác Si : ẹc ! 1 năm không tắm th́ cô đi ra dùm tui !

       

  • Hell Commercial

    • A good man just died and was at the gate into Heaven.  At the gate, an angel sai he was qualified to enter Heaven and live there ever after.  The man was so proud and happy that after all his years of being good, he was rewarded with a life in Heaven.  However, before making the decision for the rest of his enternal life, he asked the angel to let him see what Heaven looked like.  The angel agreed and showed him the DVD of life in Heaven. In it he saw a quiet place with people who all dressed in white, sat quietly, read bibles.  He thought, Wow! such a peaceful place.

      Then out of curiosity, he asked the angel if he could see Hell too just to know.  The angel granted his wish, took him to a devil and told the devil of the man’s wish.  The devil proceeded to show the man the DVD of life in Hell.  There, he saw a place so noisy with all the rock music, people dancing around, laughing, drinking beer, smoking, gambling, flirting, all the “sinful” stuff.  Startled but realizing that his past life was so boring, and he did not want to go thru that again for eternity.  So the man confessed to the devil his preference for a sinful life, and asked to be allowed into Hell instead. The gate of Hell was opened and he was let in.  Then suddenly everything changed.  Looking in the left, fire was everywhere and people were screaming as they were being barbequed by devils.  In the right were people in a pool treading panickingly in dirty smelly sewage water filled with human waste, waiting to be cooked.  In the front were people being fried in large pans of hot oil.  So scared, he frantically ran back to the Hell gate, asking the devil why what he saw earlier was different.

      "You saw our commercial”, the Devil said.

       

  • What's Your Punishment?

      Bob dies and goes to hell.

      The devil calles him for a visit, in which he explains how things work: there is a selection of three punishments from which you have to choose one. The punishment change every thousnad years.

      In the first punishment room there is a young guy on the wall being whipped. Bob, who is not keen to spend a thousnad year like this, asks to see the next room. There he see a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

      Bob immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall, with a gorgeous blonde hugging, French kissing him passionately.

      Bob jumps at the chance and takes the room.

      The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

       

  • Tic, Tic, Tic

      A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.  A blind man joins them after a few minutes.  When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.  So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.  After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him.

      "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!"

      The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.

       

  • Potatoes

       

      Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

      "Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

      The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

      "JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

       

     

  • James Bond's Special Watch

      James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."



       

         

         

       

       

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Questions / Comments: email to trungthu@trungthu.us
Last updated: 02/11/07