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Blonde Vs. Lawyer
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and
asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game
works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic
lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he
will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
"Okay, how about this, If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5,
but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play
the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into
the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and
even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All
to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He
wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Blonde Husband
A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming
from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going
on here?' he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to
grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year old
son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy!, Uncle Ted's
hiding in your wardrobe closet and he's got no clothes
on!"
The guy slams the phone down and
storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming
wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough,
there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the
wardrobe floor.
"You
IDIOT!!!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart
attack and you're running around naked and scaring the
kids!"
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Ugly Man Wanting To Marry Super Girl
A very ugly and conceited
young man, wanting to get married, went to a matchmaker
and asked for help finding a wife. "I want someone
utterly beautiful and totally exceptional."
"I
have just the girl," says the matchmaker. "She's rich,
intelligent, and absolutely stunning."
"Hold it," Said the young man, suddenly suspicious.
"Why is she still single?"
"I
admit," said the matchmaker, "that she has one tiny
problem."
"I
thought so."
"No, it's nothing very terrible. It's just that one
day every year, she goes a little bit crazy. Doesn't
cause any trouble, just a bit weird. After it's over,
she's fine for an entire year."
"I
can live with that," said the young man. "Where is she?"
"Not
right now" said the matchmaker. "If you want to her to
marry you, you'll have to wait a bit."
"Until when?" the ugly and conceited man asked eagerly.
"Until the day she goes crazy.
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Mailman Is Dad
A father is passing by his son's room while he is praying
before bed. He overhears the little boy's prayer.
"Thank you God for everything. Goodnight mom, goodnight
dad, goodbye granpa." The father is curious why the
"goodbye granpa"
The
next morning at 3:00 AM, the man and his wife are
notified that the granpa passed away. The man is
curious, and decides to listen to his childs prayers
again.
"Thank you God for everything. Goodnight mom, goodnight
dad, goodbye Spot." The next day, the dog died.
"Whoa," the man thought, "we really have something
here!" He listened to his son that night.
"Thank you God for everything. Goodnight mom, goodbye
dad." The man nearly chokes. "Goodbye dad???"
He
knows what it means. So he proceeds to do all the
things he never did. He makes love to his wife on the
kitchen counter, goes to work the next day and sleeps
with his secretary in front of his boss. He goes to a
bar, runs up a $500 tab, but still is not dead. He
walks home, along the train tracks... He gets to his
home, and his wife is in tears.
"Honey whats wrong?
"I've had the worst day..."
"You
think you're day was bad? I just..."
"I woke up to find the mailman dead on the porch!"
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Tattle Tale
A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend
in another city. When she returned, her little boy
greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I
was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came
into the room with the lady next door and they got
undressed and got into your bed and then ...."
Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to
tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The
father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife
said, "I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving
you."
"But why?" asked the startled father.
"Go
ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."
"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom
closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door
and they got undressed and got into bed, and then they
did just what you did with Uncle Mike when daddy was
away last summer
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Heaven
A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted
by St. Peter. "Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims.
"It's so beautiful! Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St.
Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven. But you must do one thing before you can enter."
Very excited,
the woman asks what she must do to pass through the
gates.
"Spell a
word," St. Peter replies.
"What word?"
she asks.
"Any word,"
answers St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman
promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love.
L-o-v-e."
St. Peter
congratulates her on her good fortune of making it into
Heaven and asks her if she will take his place at the
gates for a moment while he goes to the bathroom.
"I'd be
honored," she says, "but what should I do if someone
comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter
instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word,
just as she had done. So the woman takes St. Peter's
chair and watches the beautiful angels soaring around
her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates. It
is her husband!
"What
happened?" she cries. "Why are you here?"
Her husband
explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that
I got into an automobile accident. Now I am here, ready
to join you in Heaven."
"Not just
yet," the woman replies. "First you must spell a word."
"What word?"
he asks.
"Czechoslovakia."
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Couples with two daughters
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the
wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a
healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father
rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one
look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and told her there was no
way he could be the father of that child.
“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern
look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
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Speeding Woman Driver Tricking Cops
A woman driver is pulled over by a policeman:
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: May I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it for driving drunk four times.
Officer: I see...May I see your vehicle registration papers please?
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes
5 police cars circle the car. A police sergeant slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Sergeant: Ma'am, would you step out of your vehicle, please!
The woman steps out of her
vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Sergeant: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Sergeant: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Sergeant: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is quite stunned.
Sergeant: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the second officer. The
sergeant snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Sergeant: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole
this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
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True Nature Of Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given
on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term. The
answer by one student was
so "profound" that the professor shared it with
colleagues, via the
Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the
pleasure of enjoying it as
well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell
exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote
proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law (gas
cools when it expands and heats
when it is compressed) or
some variant.
One student, however, wrote
the following:
"First, we need to know how
the mass of Hell is
changing in time. So we
need to know the rate at which
souls are moving into Hell
and the rate at which they
are leaving. I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it
will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are
leaving.
"As for how many souls are
entering Hell, let's look
at the different religions
that exist in the world today. Most of these
religions state that if you are
not a member of their
religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than
one of these religions and
since people do not belong
to more than one religion,
we can project that all
souls go to Hell.
"With birth and death rates
as they are, we can
expect the number of souls
in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look
at the rate of change of
the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in
order
for the temperature and
pressure in Hell to stay the
same, the volume of Hell
has to expand
proportionately as souls
are added.
"This gives two
possibilities:
"1. If Hell is expanding at
a slower rate than the
rate at which souls enter
Hell, then the temperature
and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell
breaks loose.
"2. If Hell is expanding at
a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell,
then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.
"So which is it?
"If we accept the postulate
given to me by Teresa
during my Freshman year
that, 'it will be a cold day
in Hell before I sleep with
you,'
and take into account the
fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2
must be true, and thus I am
sure that Hell is
exothermic and has already frozen
over.
"The corollary of this
theory is that since Hell has
frozen over, it follows
that it is not accepting any
more souls and is
therefore, extinct...leaving only
Heaven thereby proving the
existence of a ievine being which explains
why, last night, Teresa
kept shouting 'Oh my God.'"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
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Leave It To A Woman
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the
background checks, interviews, and testing were done
there were 3 finalists. two men and a woman.
For
the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We
must know that you will follow your instructions no
matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The
man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my
wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The
second man was given the same instructions. He took the
gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5
minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I
tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The
agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after
another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the
walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door
opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said, "I had to
beat him to death with the chair.”
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Dr.
Walmart
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Dan says to
Vince, " My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see
a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of
money," Vince replies. "There's a diagnostic computer
down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the
computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. It's a
lot cheaper than a doctor." So Dan deposits a urine
sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He
deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for theurine sample. He pours the sample into the
slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a
printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm
water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks." Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Dan began wondering if the computer
could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample
from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter
for good measure. Dan hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to
check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his
concoction and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart
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Wife and Seriously
Ill Husband
A lovely Bruinette accompanied her husband to the
doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the Bruinette into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe
disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do
the following, your husband will surely die.”
The doctor continued, “Each morning, fix him a healthy
breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden
him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't
discuss your problems with him because it will only make
his stress worse. And most importantly, love your
husband and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this
for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his loving wife.
“What did the doctor say?”
“You're going to die,” the loving Bruinette replied
-
Hai Sắc
Hoa Ti-Gôn
|
The
"Hopeless" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về tự tử thế là xong
Mộ anh cỏ dại vàng xơ xác
Khi viếng thăm em hiểu nỗi ḷng.
The "Zoro"
reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về luyện kiếm thế là xong
Kiếm anh sắc bén hơn em nghĩ
Sẽ chém trảm em trả hận ḷng!
The "bankruptcy" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Đường xa, Vegas anh cứ dzông
Visa, Master Card vào canh bạc
Vỡ nợ đời anh hận bóng hồng.
The "Kung-fu" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
Anh về luyện võ Lý Tiểu Long
Luyện thêm một cú liên hoàn cước
Để đá chồng em đêm động pḥng.
The "Gourmet" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
Anh về tự tử thế là xong
Ruột, gan, phèo phổi lôi ra hết
Tặng kẻ vu qui nấu cháo ḷng.
The "Sabotage" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
Anh về tát nước cạn ḍng sông
Để cho đ̣ cưới không qua được
Đừng có mà mong được động pḥng.
The
“Warfare” reaction:
Nếu biết rằng em đi lấy chồng
Anh ngồi tưởng tượng chuyện "đồng pḥng"
Tim anh sôi máu, ḷng quặng thắt
Anh ước chi ḿnh có "cà-nông"
The
"Terrorist" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
Anh về tỉnh đội mượn cà-nông
Thục về hướng ấy 500 quả
Em ở quê chồng có ớn không?
Bắc Kỳ style:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về chửi đổng giữa đám đông
Mẹ bố tiên sư nguyên ḍng họ
Khốn kiếp sao mày dám bơ ông!
Huế style:
Nếu
biết rằng O đã có chồng
Tui về núi Ngự nhảy xuống sông
Sông sâu nước lạnh tui lại khớp
Tự tử mần răng cũng chẳng xong.
Nam Kỳ style:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã có chồng
Mèn ơi! Em chê tui nhà nông
Ruộng nương nổi nóng tui đốt hết
Không gạo cho em đói rét ḷng. |
Ba Tàu style:
Nếu
piết dằng nị lã có chồng
Ngộ dźa ngộ pán nốt Hồng Kông
Mang tiền ngộ đổ dzô Chợ Lớn
Lời dzốn đầu tư mát cái ḷng.
The “Hygienic” reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về tắm gội với xà bông
Mùi hương ngày cũ, bay đi mất
Để kẻ sang sông khỏi chạnh ḷng.
The "Unhygienic" reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp có chồng
Anh về khỏi tắm thế là xong
Quần áo để nguyên cho trọn tháng
Kỷ vật tặng em đêm động pḥng.
The
“Drunkard” reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em sắp lấy chồng
Anh về bắt vịt nhổ sạch lông
Tiết canh làm được vài ba dĩa
Mượn rượu cho nguôi vết thương ḷng.
The “High-tech” reaction:
Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Dại ǵ mà nghĩ “thế là̀ xong”!
Email cứ viết, phone cứ gọi
Cũng có ngày em… ly dị chồng.
The “Next generation” reaction:
Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về cưới vợ, kiếm thằng con
Mai này khi con trai anh lớn
Xúi lấy con em, rửa hận ḷng.
The “Gangster” reaction:
Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về ẩn núp kế bờ sông
Đợi đ̣ cặp bến sang bên ấy
Đón đường bắt cóc thế là xong.
The “Optimistic” reaction:
Nếu biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh mừng biết mấy, em biết không?
Bao năm quen biết, bao năm mệt
Tính ǵ cũng khổ mấy năm ṛng.
The
“Relieved” reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Không buồn, không giận chỉ ước mong
Đãi được chồng em nhậu một bữa
Để cám ơn chàng lãnh giùm gông.
The “Released” reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã có chồng
Cho anh gặp chàng đó được không?
Để anh hậu đãi chồng em đã…
…Rước giùm của nợ, lập đại công.
The
“Cinema” reaction:
Nếu
biết rằng em đã lấy chồng
Anh về cưới đại mụ Hồng Kông
Vợ anh không đẹp bằng em lắm
Mà chỉ xêm xêm Chung Sở Hồng.
|
| |
- Vo Danh |
-
Vợ Chồng Nhà Sách
Hai vợ chồng làm cùng ngành xuất bản sách. Đêm tân hôn của họ thật
thơ mộng. Họ nói với nhau đủ chuyện, từ chuyện yêu đương,
gia đ́nh, bè bạn, nghề nghiệp... Anh chồng ôm vợ âu yếm
rồi đọc thơ:
Sách mới cho
nên phải đắt tiền
Chị vợ cùng
nghề, nghe chồng đọc liền ứng khẩu đọc tiếp luôn:
Hôm nay xuất
bản lần đầu tiên
Anh chồng gh́
chặt vợ vào ḷng ḿnh đọc luôn câu thứ ba:
Anh c̣n tái
bản nhiều lần nữa
Chị vợ sung
sướng đọc câu thơ trong tiếng thở:
Em để cho anh
giữ bản quyền.
Vài năm sau,
Cô vợ đọc:
Sách đă cũ rồi phải không anh
Sao nay em thấy anh đọc nhanh
Không c̣n đọc kỹ như trước nữa
Để sách mơ thêm giấc mộng lành
Anh chồng
ngâm nga:
Sách
mới người ta thấy phát thèm
Sách ḿnh cũ rích, chữ lem nhem
Gáy th́ lỏng lẻo, b́a lem luốc
Đọc tới đọc lui, truyện cũ mèm
Cô vợ thanh
minh:
Sách
cũ nhưng mà truyện nó hay
Đọc hoài vẫn thấy được... bay bay
Đọc xong kiểu này, rồi kiểu khác
Nếu mà khám phá sẽ thấy hay..
Anh chồng lầu
bầu:
Đọc
tới đọc lui mấy năm rồi
Cái b́a sao giống giấy gói xôi
Nội dung từng chữ thuộc như cháo
Nh́n vào hiệu sách, nuốt không trôi...
Cha hàng xóm
lẩm nhẩm:
Sách
cũ nhưng mà tui chưa xem
Nh́n anh đọc miết.. thấy cũng thèm
Cũng tính hôm nào qua đọc lén
Liệu có trang nào anh chưa xem?
-
Conversation between George W. and his National Security
Advisor
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader
of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new
leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the
new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he
was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the
U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a
glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the
guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on
the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the
Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle
East?
-
Bai tho chu "BAT" dinh nghia trong van chuong VN
dac biet tu President of "HOI CHIEU VO" vung Au chau.
1. Đàn ông mà phải cưới vợ là chuyện bất đắc dĩ
2. Đàn ông mà không lấy được vợ là bất thành nhân
3. Có vợ đẹp là bất an
4. Có vợ xấu là bất hạnh
5. Có vợ giỏi là bất xứng
6. Ḿnh ở nhà mà để vợ đi làm là bất ổn
7. Ḿnh đi làm mà để vợ ở nhà bất tiện
8. Không nuôi nổi vợ là bất tài
9. Bị vợ chê là bất lực
10. Bị vợ cắm sừng là bất cảm ứng
11. Biết chồng có bồ mà vợ tỉnh bơ là bất cần
12. Quyến rủ vợ bạn là bất nghĩa
13. Tin bạn mà mất vợ là bất cẩn
14. Khen người đẹp trước mặt vợ là bất lợi
15. Căi lời vợ là bất kính
16. Nhậu không mời vợ là bất công
17. Nhậu về đánh vợ là bất nhân
18. Vợ kiểm tra túi chồng là thể hiện sự bất tín
19. Nộp lương đủ cho vợ là bất khả kháng
20. Trộm tiền vợ để đánh bài là bất lương
21. Xin tiền vợ đi uống bia ôm là bất khả thi
22.Căi nhau với vợ về việc dạy con là bất phân thắng
bại
23. Lời vợ dạy luôn luôn là bất biến
24. Tính xấu của vợ là bất di bất dịch
25. Khi vợ nổi máu ghen là bất luận phải trái
26. Bị vợ chửi mà làm thinh là bất bạo động
27. Bị vợ đánh mà không khai ra bồ là bất khuất
28. Vợ giận đi ngủ riêng la thể hiện sự bất hợp tác
29. Vợ bỏ nhà đi luôn là bất chiến
30. Được vợ khen là điều bất ngờ
31. Vợ làm mồi ngon cho chồng nhậu là bất hủ
32. Cùng vợ đi chơi cuối tuần là bất diệt
33. Vợ là người phụ nữ mau già nhưng bất tử
-
Don’t Start That … Again
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to
avoid embarrassment. The woman's husband also comes
home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Do you want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside!"
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover
are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove,
let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that.... that is way more than those two things cost.
I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church, the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth, and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
-
Bill Clinton’s Jog
Bill Clinton was taking a late evening jog when he chanced to
spot a very attractive young lady standing on a street
corner. Seizing the opportunity he goes up to her and starts
a conversation. It doesn’t take long for him to find out
that she is a prostitute.
“Well,” says Bill, “How much do you charge?”
“One hundred and fifty dollars.”
“One hundred and fifty dollars!” Bill exclaims.
“Yes, one hundred and fifty dollars.”
“I can’t believe you charge one hundred and fifty dollars,”
he says.
“Well, how much do you think it should cost?” she asks.
“About ten dollars.”
“Ten dollars!” she cries, “Sorry, it’s one hundred and fifty
dollars.”
“Do you know who I am?” he asks.
“No.”
“I am Bill Clinton, President of the United States of
America,” he proclaims.
“Well I’m sorry but it is still one hundred and fifty
dollars.”
Bill shakes his head and continues his jog. About a week
later he is out jogging late in the evening again, but this
time Hillary decides to join him. Bill sees that the same
prostitute is standing on the street corner again and
decides to steer Hillary away from her, so they jog on the
opposite side of the street. As luck would have it, the
prostitute spots him and takes off after the two of them.
Sweating and panting, the President urges Hillary to run
faster and faster, but his own strength begins to fade. At
last, she catches up to them, confronting Clinton with an
evil smile, looking back and forth between him and the First
Lady.
“Didn’t I tell you?” she gloats. “See what 10 bucks will get
you?”
-
Chích
Ngừa
Cô gái trẻ đẹp kia định về VN chơi nên
tới gặp bác sĩ để chích ngừa .
Bác sĩ:"Một
mũi ngừa phong đ̣n gánh 50 đô, côđưa
tay trái ra."
Cô gái: "Thưa
bác sĩ chích giùm em chổ nào kínthiệt
kín để không ai thấy thẹo nha."
Không
suy nghĩ bác sĩ nói ngay:
"Được,
chích chổ kín thiệt là kín, 50đô đưa
tiền trước."
Cô gái,
“Tại sao ?”
Bác sĩ:
"Tại
mấy lần trước chích chổ kín xong
tui
quên lấy tiền hoài hà.”
-
Boy Playing With Train
A babysitter was working in the kitchen listening to the baby sitted boy
playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and the boy yell "All you sons of
bitches, who want to get off, get the hell off now, because
this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are
getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving".
The baby sitter went in and told him, "we don't use that
kind of language around people." Now I want you to go into
your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play
with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.
Two hours later, the boy comes out of his room and continues
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the baby
sitter heard the boy say, "All passengers who are
disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride
with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding
the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage
under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the
club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today".
"For those of you, who are pissed off with the two hour
delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Selling The Golf Balls
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if
he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never
open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she
notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside
and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.
She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He
explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf
ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't
bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied
"Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them".
Playing Daddy
A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice
cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay
down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's
fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went
upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, and fix that kid some god
damn ice cream."
Jesus Is Watching You
13…13…13…13
Drunkard’s Report
This is why I didn't show up for work yesterday. I was
cleaning out my wife's grandpa's cellar and found 12 bottles
of his home-bottled grape wine under the steps. My wife told
me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the
sink, or else. I agreed to do the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork form the first bottle and poured the
contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass,
which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle,
did likewise, and drank one glass, just to check the taste
to see if the old fellow knew his wine making. He did.
I then opened the third bottle, and poured it, too, down the
sink, but not until drinking one full glass to check the
purity. It was very good. I did this, also with the fourth
bottle. One glass for myself, and the rest down the sink. I
pulled the bottle from the cork of the next, and drank one
sink out of it and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled
the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork from the
bottle, then corked the sink with the glass, bottled the
drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one
hand, counted the bottles, corks, glasses and sinks with the
other, which were 29, and as the house came by I counted
them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle,
which I drank. I felt so foolish that I couldn't go upstairs
and congratulate my wife to tell her what a great winemaker
her grandpa was. I will do that after climbing the basement
steps the next time they come by.
Million Dollars or
Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators.
He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The
millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day, the millionaire decides to throw a huge party, and
during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million
dollars, or my daughter, to the man who can swim across this
pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he
finished his last word, there was the sound of a large
splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with
all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally,
he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, "That was
incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done!
Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my
daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his
breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I
don't want your daughter! I want the asshole who pushed me
in the pool!"
Earth Science
The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map
reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude,
longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class,
the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet
me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice
broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd
be eating alone, sir."
Etiquette Lesson
One day these two fine southern ladies were sittin' on the
front porch having some iced tea. One of the women sticks
out her hand for the other woman to see, and in her long
southern drawl says "Look at this ring my husband gave me.
Isn't it nice?" To which the other woman replies, "Oh that's
nice, that's real nice." The first woman then says, "And
just last month he took me on one of them Caribbean
cruises." The second woman again replies, "Oh that's nice,
that's real nice." "Well sweetheart doesn't your husband
ever buy you nice things or send you nice places?" "Oh", the
second woman responds, "When we first got married he did
send me to etiquette school." "Why'd he do that?" the first
woman asks. To which the second fine southern woman replies,
"Well you see, before, when someone told me about the
jewelry their husband gave them, or the trips he sent her
on, I would have just said I don't give a shit, but now I
say that's nice, that's real nice."
-
Minnesota Gals
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he had told his wife she was
going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but
on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman
from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders
that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the
cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third day,
his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge
dinner on the table.
The third man had married a
Minnesota girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties
were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the
swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his
left eye. Enough to fix him self a bite to eat, load the
dishwasher, and telephone a lawn service.
Gotta love them Minnesota girls!
Politics Lesson
A little
boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that
makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking
about what dad had said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely
soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents'
room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake
her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning,
the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now." The father says,
"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics
is all about."
The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing
the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Không
tém,
Không
tém!
Khám bịnh xong bác
si nói với cô bệnh nhân trẻ:
Bác
Si : Cô cho
tôi xin số điện thoại của cô để khi nào có kết quả khám sức
khoẻ th́ tôi sẽ gọi điện báo cô hay.
Cô gái trẻ trả lời :
Dợ, hai ba bửa tém một bửa !
Bác si lắc đầu
: Không!
chuyện tắm rửa của cô th́ tôi không cần biết. Số điện thoại
của cô á !
Cô gái trẻ trả lời
: Dợ, hai ba bửa tém một bửa!
Bác si lắc đầu
mạnh hon : Cô tắm mỗi ngày 2, 3 bận hay là 2, 3 tuần cô tắm
một lần th́ tôi không cần biết.....Số điện thoại của cô
ḱa..
Cô gái trẻ tức tối
trả lời : Dợ! em đẻ nó số của em lừa hai ba bửa tém một bửa
- là số ĐT(237-817)
Vài ngày sau, cung trong pḥng mạch bác si hỏi nữ bệnh nhân
tái khám:
Bác Si : Tại seo tui kiu cho cô wài hỏng đuợc? Cô đổi số
điện thọi rồi sao?
Cô gái : Dợ, em đa đủi gùi, Bi giờ là năm séo bửa, không
tém, không tém! (567-0808)!
Bác si : Chời đét !!!
Vài ngày sau, trong pḥng mạch tái khám:
Bác Si
: vẫn ko gọi đuợc, thế là thế nào ?
Cô gái : dợ , tại thèng chồn em nớ kiu đổi. Bs thông cẻm,
lèn ń là lèn đổi cúi gùii: lè tém chín bửa một năm không
tắm (897-1508)
Bác Si : ẹc ! 1 năm không tắm th́ cô đi ra dùm tui !
Hell
Commercial
A good man just died and was
at the gate into Heaven. At the gate, an
angel sai he was qualified to enter Heaven and
live there ever after. The man was so
proud and happy that after all his years of
being good, he was rewarded with a life in
Heaven. However, before making the
decision for the rest of his enternal life, he
asked the angel to let him see what Heaven
looked like. The angel agreed and showed
him the DVD of life in Heaven. In it he saw a
quiet place with people who all dressed in
white, sat quietly, read bibles. He
thought, Wow! such a peaceful place.
Then out of curiosity, he asked the angel if he
could see Hell too just to know. The angel
granted his wish, took him to a devil and told
the devil of the man’s wish. The devil
proceeded to show the man the DVD of life in
Hell. There, he saw a place so noisy with
all the rock music, people dancing around,
laughing, drinking beer, smoking, gambling,
flirting, all the “sinful” stuff. Startled
but realizing that his past life was so boring,
and he did not want to go thru that again for
eternity. So the man confessed to the
devil his preference for a sinful life, and
asked to be allowed into Hell instead. The gate
of Hell was opened and he was let in. Then
suddenly everything changed. Looking in
the left, fire was everywhere and people were
screaming as they were being barbequed by
devils. In the right were people in a pool
treading panickingly in dirty smelly sewage
water filled with human waste, waiting to be
cooked. In the front were people being
fried in large pans of hot oil. So scared,
he frantically ran back to the Hell gate, asking
the devil why what he saw earlier was different.
"You saw our commercial”, the Devil said.
What's Your Punishment?
Bob dies and goes to hell.
The devil calles him for a visit, in which he explains how
things work: there is a selection of three punishments from
which you have to choose one. The punishment change every
thousnad years.
In the first punishment room there is a young guy on the
wall being whipped. Bob, who is not keen to spend a thousnad
year like this, asks to see the next room. There he see a
middle aged guy being tortured with fire.
Bob immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really
old guy chained to the wall, with a gorgeous blonde hugging,
French kissing him passionately.
Bob jumps at the chance and takes the room.
The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the
shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop now. You've been
relieved".
Tic, Tic, Tic
A husband and wife
are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8
children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When
the bus arrives,
they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight
children are able to
fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to
walk. After a
while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick
of the blind
man and says to him.
"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your
stick, that ticking
sound is driving me crazy!!"
The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the
end of YOUR
stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.
Potatoes
Paul, a
guy on the local beach just couldn't make it
with any of the girls, so
he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if
the lifeguard has any advice for
him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard,
"you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old
geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair
of Spandex Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized
potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin
ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with
his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's
worse than before. Everybody
on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by,
covering their faces, turning
away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back
to the lifeguard again and
asks him, "What's wrong now?"
"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes
in front!"
James Bond's Special Watch
James Bond walks
into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his
watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given
me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The
intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to
talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it
telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any
panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken because I'm wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his
watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."
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